Conviction

I never realized

how much I really hate DC

until the drive home

from an amazing week in the south.

I saw so little

of what I really wanted to.

Which just means I'll have to go back,

and stay a while.

I'm thrown back into school,

with more excitement

for friends' projects

than my own.

I guess it doesn't help

when I have six people

telling me six different things...

making me wish

I wasn't so easily swayed.

And now after what I thought was a solid plan,

I'm right back where I started.

With no idea what I'm doing.

Yet again.

The Replacement Crazy

Everything I like,

I can't do.

Everything I do,

I don't like.

Everything I want,

I can't have.

Everything I have,

I don't want.

It's not easy

when you know you're fucking up

and you have no control.

The silence

is what scares me the most.

Tomorrow I'm resorting to

connecting the dots

because it's been a long few days

and I need something really simple

to get started again.

For now?

Death Cab and Blink.

Set Fire to Your Plans

Friendships are strange

and confusing.

They grow in different directions

than ever expected.

Everything I think I have,

comes and goes

in waves of dependency.

And I don't know where I stand.

I can still smell

those burned bridges.

And as much as I try,

I can see now

that sometimes I fail as a friend.

Jump

She's been saying

I'll start tomorrow

for the past eight years

of her life.

Those silly dreams.

Keep Your Composure

I woke up

and immediately made a list

of people who deserved apologies.

Alcohol has not been my friend lately,

and it's consistently the same people

who see the person it secretly turns me into.

They must think I'm crazy.

I wish I went to school

closer to home.

So I would be able

to leave for a weekend

when I needed to.

Buried

24 inches

and more on the way.

The city has shut down

and is now unrecognizable.

No cars or busses

and people walking in the streets,

while awesome,

is still somewhat haunting.

Four days filled with

snowball fights,

mixed drinks,

snickerdoodles,

and three seasons of Rescue Me,

is a pretty great way

to enjoy the weather

if you ask me.

I've found myself

to be laughing more.

As a result of

a few different things.

It's nice.

And it makes me think

maybe I'm beginning to let go.

Little Bribes

My office threw

a 6 person birthday party today

for a professor of mine

who I've become pretty close with.

She said it was the first birthday party

she'd ever had.

It got to me,

and stayed all day.

I used to watch this video

over and over again.

When I couldn't,

I would listen to the song on repeat.

Now it has taken on it's own meaning,

one I've been longing for lately.

The soundtrack of those weeks

spent in new places.

DC makes me stir crazy,

I need to go somewhere soon.

And everything I've been surrounding myself with recently,

only fuels that necessity.

Snow again this weekend. Lots of it.

Good Find

New Beginnings

I deleted everything

that I had previously written.

In order to help me

purge the memory of certain events

that are just better forgotten.

I'm hoping to start fresh,

and finally become the person I want to be.

Corey left the Big Blue House this weekend.

Which sucks...

But now I finally get my own room.

...which doesn't.

Second semester has just begun,

and I can already tell

it will be rough.

But I am excited for this first core project.

I'm finally making what I want to make,

even though I have no idea

how to actually do it.